Blogging is new – completely out of character for my shy self. But three months ago, my baby died. And what do you do after your baby dies? You start a journal. Because your therapist, and everyone else you know, recommends it – so you can process all of your complicated thoughts about everything you’ve been through and how no one understands. And I like to write.
But my handwriting is awful. And if I write for too long, my hand gets tired. So a journal is out. I could journal in a Word document, but then, in the unlikely event that I am okay at this, or that I actually want to share my feelings and experiences with others, my thoughts are stuck in a freaking Word document, and how lame is that? Answer – very.
So a blog it is, because it’s a great idea for a shy girl to vomit her feelings onto the internet, and also, a blogging platform surely functions better than Word.
But I won’t write all about grief. I’m a magnet for odd situations, so I’d hope to capture the hilarity in some of those, even through my sorrow. Although, said situations will probably tie into my grief, at least for a couple of years.
After all, isn’t that usually how blogs started in the wake of tragedy go? In the beginning, there are lots of posts about grief. But eventually, the load lessens, and other subjects are mixed in more frequently. The character of the blog changes, or the blog itself just fades away entirely… Will I be that trite? Possibly. Maybe I hope to be. After all, maybe that’d be a sign of the immense healing I hope will take place over time. Though I’ll never fully heal from this.
So I’m documenting and processing my feelings about the loss of my beautiful baby on this little corner of the internet. I sure as hell won’t advertise it to anyone I know in real life, and I’ll probably hope nobody ever finds it. But I’ll attempt to write it as if it could be found by someone who might need it, or in the event I change my mind and decide to share it with some special ones. I’ll hope it doesn’t turn into another typical grief blog, but it totally could, at which point I might delete it.