I recently discovered a random, single stall bathroom right next to my office. It’s like its own little office, but with a shitter. I’m so thankful for it, because it means I don’t have to venture to the real bathroom, where I’d see others. At least this office doesn’t have glass walls, but it’s still kind of awkward to use it… 

Sometimes long, cohesive posts with brilliant messages are exhausting to write. Every so often, I might just spew my deeper thoughts and random happenings from the past week or two, like the above. So here goes with some more…

Mark lost all this weight, and his clothes don’t fit, so I asked him if he was going to buy some fitted suits like the guys on Million Dollar Listing wear. I think he might, and he also randomly whitened his teeth. “They’re as white as they can get without being unnatural,” he explained. They’re still not as white as Josh Altman’s.

I’m going to be writing a series of posts that could be categorized “inspirational strangers from across the globe who’ve helped us immensely on our brutal path, some of whom aren’t strangers anymore”, so stay tuned…

My personal jackhole of last week goes to a co-worker. It was my first run-in with her since Matthew died – I was waiting, alone, in a meeting room, when she barged in and snottily chastised me, “Christine, 15 minutes is NOT long enough for these meetings!” I kind of rolled my eyes and semi-politely informed her I didn’t schedule the meetings, while I yelled, “Fuck you!!!” in my mind.

No thank you, People Magazine – I’m not interested in reading about Carrie Underwood’s “new mom struggles”. I’m sure her struggles are very real. Or maybe not.

The other day, as I pulled up my brown leggings, I noticed I was already wearing yellow underwear. It was a little unsettling – to think I’d be wearing shit-colored pants with piss-colored underwear. But I just went with it, because my whole life is unsettling. When I arrived to work, I put on a wrinkled, vomit-colored sweater.

My parents and sister in law recently got new puppies. I can’t wait to meet them, but I wish Matthew could have met them. My parents have three dogs now, but they think one of them might die soon. The death of pets, I believe, signifies the passing of time in kind of a heart wrenching way.

Some medical students attended support group to “observe what loss parents go through”. For most the meeting, various attendees conversed about seeing their children in butterflies, dragonflies, and birds. I bet they thought we were all bat-shit crazy… It’s difficult to understand until you lose a child.

Monday, October 19, we attended a church service to honor lost children. A loss mom from support group shared her story about losing her daughter, Kate. Her story was beautifully written, and she shared it with such strength and grace. At the service, the band played “10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)”, a song I’d listened to while pregnant with Matthew, and we cried. It’s the first time we’ve been to a church since Matthew died. And, honestly, I don’t know when we’ll be back. It doesn’t feel appropriate to attend regular church with all the “normal” families, when I feel anything but normal. We visited with support group friends afterwards, and my feelings aren’t unique. Next year, I’d like to start a similar service at my church.

Shannon Beador from the Real Housewives of Orange County won’t stop talking about colonics – so I guess, in other words, she won’t stop talking about her colon? So my friend and I were trying to figure out what colonics are – are they like enemas? We had a ten minute conversation about this…

My in laws sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my office, which was super sweet. But when an administrative assistant saw me retrieve it, she was like, “Congratulations!!!” I just looked at her, because I wasn’t sure what the eff she meant. This proves I’m right to never leave my office. I like to think all baby loss moms, as well as those who’ve been so supportive, stand out as “beautiful, loving white roses”.

Because grief stripped me of my normal personality, I’ve found myself stuck in a few too many boring conversations with fellow accountants (the old me would have averted these). The other day, I listened as one described her daily commute for like 20 minutes. Unless an effing airplane lands on the highway, the daily commute isn’t interesting.

The other day, my friend MB randomly texted to tell me she’d seen a blue jay, and she’d thought of Matthew. I was deeply touched. I later explained to Mark that blue jays remind me of Matthew, and I told him about MB’s text. Mark was touched too but noted blue jays are really mean. I told him to just forget that, because blue jays are beautiful, and they’re rare. Maybe.

Saturday, October 17, we attended the 2015 Share Walk for Remembrance & Hope to remember Matthew and others gone too soon. Thousands attended – it was comforting to see we aren’t alone, yet upsetting to be reminded just how many share similar stories. We released a balloon in Matthew’s honor. It was cold outside, and I felt extra sad, so we left the event early. Later a friend texted a picture of a poster she’d created for the event. It included Matthew’s name – I’m so grateful she remembered him.

On a recent episode of Survivor – Second Chance, the self-nicknamed “Chaos Kass”, an attorney, stated prior to appearing on this season, she read How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. She explained this will enable her to more effectively manipulate people, which, in turn, will help her win this time around. I just think that’s kind of awesome – I hope she wins.

AB and her husband, SN, came over for dinner the other night. SN may re-grade our screwed up back yard in preparation for new landscaping. That day, we were still fantasizing about the raunchy things we could put in Frances’ package of dirty underwear before returning it to FedEx. So on the way over, AB asked SN if they could stop and get some flavored, colored condoms (didn’t tell him why), and he agreed like it was a normal request (they didn’t actually stop – AB told him never mind, because of all the traffic, there’d be no time). When they arrived, AB told SN she’d been joking about it all. But I just wonder what was going through his mind…

Last week, on my way to support group, I returned a call from my mother in law. She asked how I was doing. Knowing she loves positivity, I figured I’d humor her… I answered, “Okay…”  “Awwwww, just okay?” she asked, obviously bummed. Man, to me, “okay” seemed pretty damn good…

I ordered these awesome Prana Vida bright-colored yoga pants – one pair with butterflies and one pair with palm trees. They’re made by a fellow baby loss mom. I just received them, and they’re fabulous. I put one pair on, and we went to the backyard, so Mark could take an inspirational photo of me doing a yoga pose. But the photo was ruined by my lack of coordination and also by Howie squatting in the background.

AB informed me she recently lost her dog. She knocked on random doors, after dark, to ask if anyone had seen her dog. Most people answered their doors. We discussed how dangerous that was for those people – I mean AB could’ve robbed them all without even having to break in.

The other day Mark went to TJ Maxx (shopaholic). While away, he texted, “I miss you”. I asked if he meant he missed me on the errand, or if he missed the old me. He replied, “Both,” and then I cried for about 30 minutes. I miss her (me) too. It’s almost as though I’m Caitlyn Jenner – except I’m referring to the old me in third person, as “her”, rather than the new me – it’s confusing.

I tried my hand at adding some pictures to my post and stumbled upon one of Matthew – it was an unedited one, and he’s severely bruised. Somehow, I was surprised by it all again. Sometimes, though, never for very long, it seems like all this happened to someone else – not me. There’s still a shock component.

I’ve kept my posts on the lighter side this week, as I’ve tried to compartmentalize – sometimes the harder things are more difficult to focus on these days, and I need to get through the work days somehow… But I can feel myself sliding now, back into that extremely dark place. It’s just so damn unfair. The lighter tone of this post will starkly contrast my mood at the time I publish it…

I still miss Matthew all the time (that’ll never change), and I still cry every day. I can’t believe life just keeps happening when someone so important to me – someone whom I love so deeply – is gone.