She enters my office and shuts the door. She sits down across from me. It’s a cold, Friday evening in January. It’s after hours, already dark outside. My office is nearly pitch black, as there’s no sunlight coming through the window – no sunlight to make up for my lights being off. Only the light from my two monitors illuminates my face. The light from the hallway transforms her into a shadowy silhouette like from one of those crime shows where they black out the witness to conceal her identity. I abruptly stop what I’m doing. Continue reading
Month: April 2016
Anxiety and exhaustion
I’m approaching 24 weeks in my pregnancy with Jay. Viability. The point at which a baby can live outside the womb should he need be delivered. (Though at 28 weeks the odds of survival become much higher.) I celebrated this milestone in my pregnancy with Matthew. How stupid and naïve I was. Continue reading
Chickydoodles? (On naming my blog)
The other day someone asked me how I came up with my blog name. And several months ago I wrote a post to explain where I got “chickydoodles” and never posted it, but I’m posting it today, because an inquiring mind wanted to know, and it’s always smart to write for a target audience of one. And also, these past two weeks I’ve been struggling with intense feelings of exhaustion and isolation, so I tried to write about the exhaustion piece of this, but I failed (for obvious reasons). Continue reading
Deep thoughts; erratic happenings

Pregnancy after loss entails tons of blood draws (more than with low-risk pregnancy), because they test for all sorts of clotting disorders and shit. So the other day, I had my blood taken by a phlebotomist who I thought introduced himself to me as Mike, but then I noticed his nametag said Mondrakus, which is one badass name, if you ask me. Continue reading
A parody of platitudes

The other day Mark and I drafted a text to someone facing a crisis. And, as we were thinking about things to say, we were also thinking about things not to say, most of which have been said to us. Continue reading
You can’t stop Debbie Downer!

There’s this nurse from Anthem BlueCross BlueShield (my health insurance provider) who, over the past few months, has had the misfortune of becoming acquainted with me. Continue reading
Revealing my crazy – psych update
Assuming I make it to our planned delivery date ~37/38 weeks, I’m over half way through this pregnancy with Jay. And I can feel my anxiety levels creeping up. Continue reading