When the pumpkin patch is so effing complicated

Yesterday afternoon a friend invited me to do some restorative yoga (she knows I need some restoration!), but then we found out the class was cancelled, and Mark was cleaning leaves out of the gutters (so he doesn’t have to go out in his underwear the next time it rains) while his dad was mowing, and Mark’s mom was pretending to help with yard work, and Joel was napping, so I was bored and complaining, so Mark decided that we should all go to a pumpkin patch, since it was October 30, the day before our first Halloween with a living child. Continue reading

Random thoughts; deepest happenings

So lately, as I look around at the people in the world, at times I find myself zeroing in on someone random (of any age), thinking, “I wonder why that person is alive and Matthew isn’t…” I don’t like that I always think these things, but I can’t help it. Continue reading

Yesterday I left work on a stretcher

About six and a half years ago, on the morning of my second wedding anniversary, I awoke in the back of an ambulance having no idea how I got there, and yesterday around noon, it happened again. Three others in our office have gone down prior – dead flowers lady semi-recently fainted in our ladies room, another woman several years back ate a slice of kiwi at one of our holiday parties and, as a result, went into anaphylactic shock, and a temporary accountant experienced a spontaneous seizure and was taken out on a stretcher. Continue reading

On returning to work

So I returned to work this week, and, of course, the first task I tried to tackle after my three-month leave was meticulously combing my inbox. But after ten minutes I started to become distressed by what I was seeing (mostly dates in 2015/2016 that elicited disturbing visceral reactions), so I was like “fuck it” and deleted everything, figuring that if anything’s important the sender will follow up with me again. Continue reading

A sad, sad room

There is another photoshoot at our house today (wrote this yesterday), and they want to shoot a scene in our master bedroom, which isn’t decorated very well, so I cannot fathom why, but regardless, I’ve been sitting in Matthew’s/Joel’s room (the nursery) with Joel and Mark’s mom for the last three hours, worried that the photographers will see my retainer that has been half eaten by Howie (I think I left it on my nightstand), but I wear it anyway, because it still works, and I am frugal, and I also can’t help but feel so fucking sad. I can feel myself headed into the familiar downward spiral, the pit of grief and anxiety. Continue reading