Matthew Bear

Today we took Joel on a walk, and it was freezing, so we layered him up, and had to put him in some size 18-month sweat pants (!), and I hope he was warm enough. We were headed to the playground, because we are wicked-awesome parents, and we thought it might be stimulating for Joel to watch some older kids play, but not too long into our walk he fell asleep in his front-facing carrier, so we quickly turned back home, first taking a quick detour, trespassing through a neighbor’s house, which is under construction. (It’s okay – everyone does it.) Continue reading

Just missing you… always.

Dear Matthew,

This Monday started like any other normal day. I booked an Uber ride, and five minutes later I watched as a white Chevy Impala bounced down our gravel road and stopped in front of the house next door. I kissed your little brother goodbye and exited our house, walking diagonally across our yard through wet grass. I made an awkward gesture towards the front door of the car, but ultimately chose to sit in the backseat. Continue reading

Conversations I don’t want to have with people I don’t want to talk to

I don’t want to be asked about how my big house feels with three people living in it now. It feels pretty fucking awful and awesome at the same time. Because there should be four of us living in it, though we’re still lucky to have the three of us, living and healthy, I suppose. But really, you don’t want to stop for long enough to hear me out with my complicated answer, so I’ll just continue to stare at you blankly while you assume everything’s great. Continue reading