I don’t want to be asked about how my big house feels with three people living in it now. It feels pretty fucking awful and awesome at the same time. Because there should be four of us living in it, though we’re still lucky to have the three of us, living and healthy, I suppose. But really, you don’t want to stop for long enough to hear me out with my complicated answer, so I’ll just continue to stare at you blankly while you assume everything’s great.
I don’t want to hear about your two screaming kiddos who are four and three and still don’t sleep through the night and then jokingly be offered one of them, “Hey – want another one? You can have one of mine! Hahaha!” No. Actually, I don’t want one of yours. I want Matthew. Why don’t you offer up one of your children to someone who didn’t lose one of hers?
I don’t want to commiserate with you about what it was like to bring home your first child – how it was so stressful, yet so special, because it was your first, and there’s just nothing like a first. Joel is my second child. My first child is dead.
I don’t want to hear, “Welcome to parenthood!” every time I talk about Joel not napping or being fussy or about me being stressed out when he’s in someone else’s care. I became a parent a long time ago, and I’ve already done the hardest thing a parent could ever do – bury her child. I already had the most brutal introduction to parenthood, so I don’t need to be “welcomed to parenthood” now.
I don’t want to talk about “when” anyone’s baby is arriving alive. To me, it will always be “if.”
I don’t want to hear about how you are stressed out that your baby will be here in two months, but the nursery still isn’t finished. I can’t relate to these sorts of “stressors.” When it comes to pregnancy, I can only have genuine conversations about being scared your baby might die.
Please don’t tell me about your engagement/wedding/career/family plans for five years down the road. Five years is a long ass time, and things are not in our control, and it could all blow up at any moment.
Happy Friday (in a few hours).