Today I might have been swindled out of some money based on my gender, which makes me think I should call the local news stations so they can run stories to warn their viewers, but I’m also thinking $10 might not be a material enough sum of money, but I still hate that it happened…

This afternoon I was home with Joel and our leaf blower guy knocked on our door, and I only answered because I thought it was UPS, but then, much to my surprise, this guy was like, “Can I blow your leaves?” And I was taken aback, and, obviously, I got spooked, and my fight or flight response kicked in, and since I couldn’t flee, I think I looked like I wanted to fight, so he took a few steps back, and I became less spooked and actually spoke to him, because he was standing farther away by this point. And I also remembered Mark saying that he wanted his leaves blown. So then we had the below conversation…

Me – Ummmm… Sure… Can I pay you with a check when you’re done?

Blower – Yep. Sooooo… It’s actually going to be $85 this time

Me – So it wasn’t $85 last time?

Blower – It was $75.

Me – So was like our yard bigger than you expected or something?

Blower – No…

Me – Are there more leaves?

Blower – No…

Me – Okay… Then why?

Blower – $85 is just what I charge. I was just trying to be nice with the $75…

Me – Okay…

Then I called Mark to tell him I thought I’d just been taken advantage of, and Mark agreed that I probably had been, but he suggested, “Just make sure he gets all of the leaves out of the flower beds, and it will be worth it.” But I knew I wouldn’t be capable of this, so I kind of yelled, “It’s only $10 – it’s fine!” and I hung up, and later Mark was like, “Ummmmm… There’s still a few leaves in our yard.” And to this I kind of freaked out like screamed, “I don’t know what you expect – it’s nature, and there’s wind!!!”

So I watched The Bachelor with Nick Viall, and there was a contestant who told Nick that she works as a nurse in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), and Nick was like, “So do you work in a hospital then?” So I kind of think that Nick is a huge idiot, and I would not be vying for his affection.

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to keep up with house chores, so to ensure that I meet my goal, I’m outsourcing the function by hiring a cleaning service to come once per week. I say “I’m hiring,” but Mark found her, but I’m paying her, and I say this because Mark suggested it might be too much money, and I was like, “I’m a working girl, and I never shop, and this is like one of the only things I want in life, so we are paying for it, DAMN IT.”

So our cleaner, Amanda, came to meet us and evaluate our home, and I was kind of proud of the way our house looked considering we have a five-month-old, so I was like, “Gosh – it’s so messy in here…” But I didn’t really mean it… Like I was being faux-humble. But then Amanda agreed that our house was definitely filthy, and now I feel kind of embarrassed, though I think her standards are super high in that she was pointing out things she’d clean like the grime under our stove burners and the little bit of dust on our front door knob, so I’m thinking that if she’s truly this detail oriented her work will be amazing and worth every penny.

I have some other New Year’s resolutions that I’m not outsourcing, and I’m not sure whether or not I’ll keep any of them, but here they are…

Keep my job through March 31. (If I can make it to March 31, I think I can make it through the rest of the year.)

Lose my remaining pregnancy weight (16 pounds).

Go through all of the items in our house and donate everything that we don’t use/don’t need.

Read all of my book club books. (Sometimes I show up having not read the book, and I’m pretty sure it’s super annoying to everyone. But book club meets January 13, and I haven’t read the book yet, sooooo…)

Send thank you notes to a shit ton of friends and family (I’ve sent some but definitely not all) and also find ways to express our gratitude (via notes or other means or both) to those who were part of our large team of professionals who helped to get Joel here safely. I’m SO behind on this stuff, and I feel absolutely terrible about it, especially because there are some to whom I’m certain I’ll never be able to adequately express thanks, and though I’ve said thank you (many times) via less formal means (i.e. in person, or via email or text), I need (want!) to do it more formally… It’s been difficult for me not to be delinquent in this area when I feel like I’m still struggling to function on a regular basis, but I hope that in 2017 I can overcome some of my obstacles enough to get this done, because it’s important.

Maintain a to-do list to ensure I stay caught up with work tasks, texts, emails, etc.

Get some semblance of a routine going! I can’t keep living day-to-day, not knowing what I’m doing tomorrow, not being able to commit to anything because I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. (This is probably my most crucial resolution.)

Write/blog more frequently… There’s so much more I want to write, want to do with this blog, but sometimes, like with everything else, I struggle, and I get in a frame of mind where I think I need a three-hour block of time to do some “grand” post (or at least my version of one), but I rarely have this kind of time, so then I go on writing hiatuses, and then I feel disconnected to Matthew, and this is when I begin to self-destruct. So I want to write more frequently and be less perfectionist about it, which I have the ability to do sometimes but not always… That said, let me know if there are any particular types of posts you want to see more of… For example, I receive a lot of rainbow pregnancy questions, so I’m working to write some things on this subject… But let me know if there’s anything else! (Unless you want to see more puppy/unicorn-type posts, which I can’t fucking do.)

I’m astounded that I have any New Year’s resolutions. This life after loss is such shit sometimes, and for so many months, my only goal has been to keep breathing, keeping my thoughts about jumping in front of trains at bay. If I can keep like 20 percent of these resolutions, I think it will make me a 20 percent better person, and I’ll be satisfied with this.

I shoot for the moon.