It seems I’m in recovery mode from my latest meltdown. I figured I’d change it up and try making a list of things that are causing me to feel better, and maybe this will help me feel EVEN MORE BETTER, kind of like the positive affirmations where one looks in the mirror and is like, “I’m beautiful enough. I’m smart enough, and goddamn it, people like me.” (Except I’m not so sure about the “ people liking me” bit…)

So here’s my list of things that are bringing happiness at the moment…

1. This morning I woke up and checked my email, and there was an unexpected message in my inbox from a baby loss mom friend. She has two living boys, and she lost her daughter over two years ago, and she informed me that she just adopted the most beautiful little girl. I am so fucking beyond happy for her.
2. On a related note, I have several other baby loss mom friends who’ve just recently delivered rainbow babies or are currently pregnant with rainbow babies. (Some of these friends are within days of delivering.) This warms my heart, and Joel better get to meet all of these sweet rainbow babies someday.
3. There’s a Cardinal’s baseball game today, so it took me forever to get to work downtown. At this one stop light, I was about to turn right on red, but then I realized I was mere inches from a group of like 20 pedestrians, so I slammed on my breaks. I’m glad I noticed them and that they are safe and that I’ve avoided manslaughter (or vehicular homicide?) charges and that no one flipped me off.
4. I went to the store last night and bought food and looked up a meatloaf recipe and prepped it, and it’s in the fridge ready to cook tonight, and I bet it’s going to be yummy. I’ve not done anything this big in months. Joel loves macaroni so much he screams out of pure glee at the sight of it, and he pretty much only wants to eat pasta in general currently, but I’m hoping he’ll at least give this a try.
5. My boobs aren’t engorged anymore. I’m officially done breastfeeding, and someday soon I’ll wear a more flattering bra again. Or maybe I won’t.
6. One of my baby loss mom friends, Brooke, sent me this article. It’s heartbreaking, and forces anyone who reads it to confront some hard realities and might even invoke some difficult self-reflection. Since Matthew’s death, I’ve struggled so much with feelings of self-blame and self-hatred and shame, and lately I’ve also felt so overwhelmed by my need to control the situation. (Re: the control, apparently it’s still incredibly challenging for me to accept the fact that I have limited control over life in general despite all I’ve been through.) Since reading this article, I’ve been able to ease up on my self-blame and anxious thoughts just a little. I feel marginally lighter. I hope this bit of improvement sticks.
7. We owe thousands of dollars to the IRS, because we didn’t withhold enough for taxes during the year. But yesterday, I was functional enough between the hours of 4:00pm and 6:00pm for Mark to actually get our taxes filed.
8. Our 2016 company financial statements are damn near complete. I recently told my boss that if I couldn’t complete the corporate tax provision (required as part of the financial statements), I wouldn’t be of any value to the company any longer, in which case I might as well resign, so it looks like I don’t have to resign just yet.
9. We’re in the process of changing Joel’s bedtime routine… We want to give him his bottle before he bathes and brushes his teeth for the night, so the formula doesn’t rot his gorgeous pearly whites. He seems to be liking story time, and last night he laughed harder than I’ve ever seen him laugh, ever, and it was very stinking cute.
10. Our neighbors who are moving are throwing away their junk, and I get excited as I see it hauled off to Goodwill. I’m so clutter averse that even having hoarder neighbors is too much for me, and not only do I need to be freed from my own junk, I need to be freed from theirs as well. Their negative hoarder energy was seeping through their walls causing me bad feng shui or chi or whatever, and I’m ready for some better chi coming from their direction.
11. It is beautiful outside here, and Emily is taking Joel to the park, and she’s probably singing the song from the Brady Bunch Movie, “I think I’ll go for a walk outside now the summer sun’s callin’ my name…” (I was so excited one day when I overheard her singing this song to Joel, because I love the Brady Bunch). I also love this picture of my little tree hugger exploring new textures.