Matthew died in the middle of the hottest f#cking summer in history. I don’t know if this is true, but this is how I perceive it, how I’ll always remember it. It was at least 112 degrees and 140 percent humidity, and when we exited the hospital with a box of belongings through which, to this day, I have yet to sift, to start our most devastating walk to begin our most excruciating drive back to our old lives that we knew were over but hadn’t fully processed as such, the scorch engulfed us, making it feel even more surreal… It was almost as if the heavens had opened up just to give us one last middle finger upon our departure.
For weeks I remained in a grief trance of sorts. He died in early July, and I didn’t leave my house until late August, except to walk the trail. It remained blazing hot, and I wasn’t medically cleared to exercise, but still I did, literally putting one foot in front of the other millions, billions of times even, for hours on end, oozing abdominal scar and swamp ass be damned. I cried. I spent time fantasizing about death by way of dehydration or heatstroke…
I saw mothers pushing strollers, and I seethed at the unfairness of it. I could hardly share the trail with them. Because I kept asking why their babies would get to live over mine. (As if there’s any rhyme or reason to it.) Each one of their existences felt like a personal attack on me. So I started reasoning that each of them had experienced a prior loss like mine. It was the only way I could co-exist with them at the time. Sometimes this type of reasoning is still the only way I can co-exist with others. Of course I don’t know a stranger’s life story. But if I can imagine that it includes an element of tragedy, I might be able to better cope with my own devastating reality. Does this make me a horrible person? Some might think so. And I give no shits. Because anyone who’s been in my shoes understands.
In the midst of my assuming that everyone had experienced my same tragedy in an effort to be able to continue my existence, I wondered whether someday, if I had a living child, I might be triggering to someone else, whether I could create sadness or if someone could loathe my mere existence. Would someone assume my life looked perfect and easy and then be upset by their perception?
Today we planned an outing to our local nursery to potentially buy some new plants. Shortly after Matthew died, we landscaped our front yard. We thought this could be a way to honor his memory. New plants. Mark’s parents so generously helped us with the (expensive) costs. One year and a half later, our front yard doesn’t look as nice as we’d like it to. Read: It looks nothing like the picture the landscaping company provided when they initially enticed us to use their services, and there are hardly any plants left because they died because their roots were planted too shallowly, and, from the outside, our home looks like it’s about to enter foreclosure. I feel as though I showed my hairstylist a picture of Carrie Underwood and I’ve come out of the salon looking like me, except this is my front yard and results weren’t contingent on better facial structure, rather what was needed was simply better planting practices and the contractually-agreed-to amount of mulch. So this feels like another middle finger from the heavens, basically.
But ANYWAY, on our way to the local nursery we stopped for brunch at our favorite local eatery with Joel and decided to dine al fresco. It’s always crowded, so I quickly put our name in, and Mark and Joel headed to the farmer’s market across the street, and I was eventually seated, and they rejoined me soon after.
This place, even its outdoor area, is tiny. So shortly after we were seated, not even two feet away from us, I noticed a couple who looked to be in their mid-thirties (give or take), no kids. At first I thought nothing of it. Maybe they have kids who weren’t with them. Maybe they don’t want kids. There could be any number of reasons for them dining as two. They seemed content enough. Also, I try to avoid making too many assumptions.
But now my bereaved mother heart and mind notices subtleties that might go unnoticed by most. When Mark joined me with Joel, I caught the unmistakable look she gave me and the way she quickly turned her head and how the conversation between she and her husband became hushed, and eventually ceased, and how they never again looked in our direction despite Joel’s multiple attempts to engage them socially from mere inches away.
And I felt sad that we were possibility contributing to someone else’s pain, a pain we know so well. A pain I’m still accustomed to when I see a family with brothers or a two-year-old boy.
Our brunch, much to my regret, seemed extra obnoxious. We ordered too much food on plates too big for our little table, and Mark fed Joel exotic mangoes and oranges from the farmer’s market, and Joel loved them so much that he screamed and pounded the table repeatedly, demanding more, and the table shook so hard that a bottle of hot sauce came crashing down, shattering on the concrete below. We discussed how rapidly Joel is changing and how cool it is to see. Joel enthusiastically ate bits of fish and cheese quesadillas and tried to grab for everything, while wait staff commented on his enthusiasm and spilled hot sauce. At one point, trying to be sensitive to those around us, I asked Mark, “Can we tone it down?”
But Mark reasoned (not loud enough for anyone to hear), “I don’t care if we’re annoying. He’s alive.” And I couldn’t argue. So I just hoped that I was wrong about the couple nearby, as no one else seemed bothered by our antics.
But then this couple abruptly got up to leave, and I heard her say it to her husband, “I’m sorry – it was a mistake for me to think I could sit out here.” I saw her shift her eyes in our direction. And as much as I hate to make assumptions, I’m almost certain she was talking about us – the family with the perfect life.
Because she couldn’t know that just under two years ago, I was eating a strawberry sundae across the street while my first son was likely brain dead, willing him to move, not yet knowing that he never again would. And I don’t know if this would even make her feel less alone in her situation, whatever her situation is. But maybe, if she’s anything like me, it would have made her feel marginally less awful, knowing what was below the surface of our apparent happiness. Or maybe her struggles are different entirely and her knowledge of mine wouldn’t have helped in the slightest.
Either way it’s dangerous to make assumptions based on appearances, I’ve learned, but sometimes the visuals are too powerful, and they override everything, and it’s impossible not to make said assumptions.
I have no way of knowing. But today, I think I might have been the trigger.
And though I’m not sorry for the good in my life (Lord knows I deserve it), I’m sorry if it contributed to a type of pain I know so well, or any type of pain at all.
But mostly I just wish the world weren’t so unfair.
chickydoodles 
No one can ever really understand the things we grieve or feel things the way we do. No one can say,”I understand” if they haven’t been there. But they can have compassion. Sometimes they never understand and don’t want to be around us because we remind them of their failings, because you see, they have nothing to apologize for, they say. I have not lost a child, but my sister lost hers when he was 30. She cried, “I’ll never have any grandbabies from him now.” She lost the ability to feel the pain I was in and she is no longer my sister. Her choice. I can’t imagine your grief. A big part of me says I’m glad I can’t because I think it would be a grief too unbearable that you never really get over, you just learn to put it away for awhile until you can safely take it out when no one is around.
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Thank you for your kind comment. I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss and that your relationship has suffered because of it. It all just beyond sucks. xoxo
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So well written. I recently flew with my rainbow baby. I hoped beyond hope that me of two years ago wouldn’t end up sitting next to me (she didnt!). I am aware that there must be times that I am that trigger. I feel what I sometimes call a “survivor’s guilt”. Nothing after loss is straightforward.
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Thank you. Survivor’s guilt is a good way to describe it. Congratulations on your rainbow baby, by the way. xoxo
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Thank you. He’s 7 months old now. A wee bit younger than your Joel. Two special boys with very special big brothers. xxx
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Sometimes I read your posts and feel like you wrote from my thoughts.
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You’re never alone. xoxo
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I often felt this way after Kenley died (and even after my 2 miscarriages before her). We have Landon…to the outsiders it seemed we had this amazing family. Then she died, and I was that girl who couldn’t sit near families even though I have a living child. It’s all kinds of fucked up if you have a living child before a loss or if you don’t.
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All kinds of fucked up is right
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I’m 11 weeks along with a rainbow pregnancy and I’m so much more aware of others who may feel sensitive around pregnant people. I’ve been so worried that I’ll miscarry the past few weeks that just now the realization that I’ll start to show and what that’ll entail is starting to hit me. I kind of want a maternity shirt that sums up my story so I don’t have to tell everyone. In my pregnancy with my son who died I got lots of “hope is it a girl this time” comments when I was out with his two big brothers. Drove me nuts. Now I know I’ll be getting the exact same thing and ugggghhhh. I already feel bad for the jerks who will dare say something like that to me this go around because I will likely get on my “I’m just hoping for alive” soapbox. Also any pointers for handling the how many kids question? Yeah I just might need the t-shirt with my story on it.
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And I just now realized that if you were to see me out with my two boys I’d trigger you…and I’m a fellow baby loss mom.
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Yeah… You could be triggering to me… That’s why when I see strangers I try to not focus too much on them, because they might have had a loss, and then they’d of course be less triggering to me., because I can be genuinely happy for other BLMs… I said two year old boys and brothers were triggering in my post, and, although there is some truth to this, I think what’s most triggering to me are the genuinely happy people whose plans worked out who get to raise all of their children. These are actually the people who are most difficult for me.
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A t-shirt with your story could be good. I could have benefited from that. I say answer however feels right to you in the moment and don’t worry much about the other person’s comfort. You have to honor yourself and your child and your own feelings first, especially in such a stressful situation as PAL. Sending you continued well wishes. xoxo
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Interesting perspective. Thank you. Hugs
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Hugs to you too.
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This was so beautifully written.
I hate when I’m the trigger for others. I know it happens, and I know it happens within our “safe” bereaved planet too. I hate to cause anyone additional pain, especially those who already know it so well. I’m a firm believer that those of us who have lost children should be exempt from any and all potential future pain/issues/inconveniences, but sadly as we know, life is not remotely this logical or fair.
It would be easier for me to relate to others if we all walked around with those scarlet letter type signs, alerting the world to our respective tragedies. I realize this is not what every bereaved parent wishes for, but it would make it easier for me to co-exist in grocery stores and parking lots and playgrounds if I knew…like really KNEW…that I wasn’t completely alone in my feeling of being royally fucked over by life. I feel like there would be a lot more hugs, too.
xo,
Nora
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Thank you for your comment, sweet friend. You know I’m all for the “tragedy shirts.”
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Sometimes I wonder if you can read my mind. 😉
I’ve made up the stories of loss for people who have triggered me too, sometimes it’s the only way I can deal with the trigger in public until I can get somewhere I’m alone and can deal with it in private. Then I usually think that I’m jinxing them by thinking that, ugh. There’s no winning with triggers.
I’m keenly aware that now I’m probably a trigger for other women. We look like a couple in the happiest time of our lives, but that’s only on the outside. Having been there and dealt with the triggers, I like to think I now have the ability to be sensitive about it whereas when I was pregnant with Theo it’s a thought that honestly never occurred to me.
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Yeah, it sucks that we have to think this way. Like EVERYTHING is complicated now. Like even if we can feel happy for like three seconds, it’s followed by our guilt or maybe worry over someone we think may be in the midst of hurting in the awful ways we have. It just sucks, sucks, sucks. Sending you and Steam Bun continued positive thoughts!
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I worry that I was the trigger recently. I’m in a fitness/weight loss group for loss moms and I’d posted about how I was six weeks post-partum with my rainbow and struggling with cutting calories while maintaining breastfeeding supply. A few days later a mom posted to share her story, she was six weeks out from her stillbirth. I felt terrible even though I’m pretty sure I posted a trigger warning. I hope she didn’t see my post or if she did it didn’t upsether. If you were indeed a trigger to the woman, hopefully in time she will come to the same insights as you have, and if she finds herself in the same situation someday I wonder if she will think back to this encounter. What a fucked up world this is.
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