Hair gate, November 2017

So my haircut isn’t exactly what I’d expected, and I’m STILL feeling self-conscious about it, which is why I have yet to post a picture of it.

At first I liked it, and then I hated it (because someone important to me whose name starts with “m” made me feel insecure about it), and then I liked it, but then I woke up the next day (Thursday) and objectively evaluated it and decided I hated it, but then at Thursday’s appointment, the sonographer told me I looked five years younger, so I liked it. But then on Thursday night I even more objectively evaluated it and decided that not only did I hate it, but also the execution of it was flawed in many ways, the biggest one being that it was more layered on one side compared to the other and also that it was too heavy (not layered enough at the bottom). So I cut at the not-so-layered side myself to try to improve it.

Well, then I woke up on Friday having a complex about having cut one side of my hair myself. So I texted my mom about it, and she was like, “I’ll be there in two hours,” and she jumped into her car immediately with a pair of her own special haircutting scissors. (I know how high maintenance this sounds – me being like, “Mommmmmy – my hair looks like shit, and it’s ruining my self-esteeeeeeeeem,” and she heads my direction ASAP to come to my rescue… But she’s actually obsessed, like really obsessed, with hair, and she already had the day off, so this was entirely her choice, though I made like no efforts to stop her…)

So then she arrived on Friday afternoon (a bit late due to an incident with an enraged driver – she had to exit to ensure she lost him…). “I know you’re angry, but don’t ever get so angry that you’re flipping people off for miles upon miles on the road, okay?” she made me promise, and then she took her turn at hacking at my hair and managed to improve it marginally, but not enough for me to be okay with it, so we decided to head to Ulta Beauty to ask someone there to fix it, because I can never trust the person who screwed up my hair to fix it. (Could you? Mark says he could, which I think isn’t the smartest.)

On our way to Ulta Beauty, my mom sat in the backseat behind me so she could entertain Joel, who loathes his car seat lately, and at each stoplight she made more modifications to my hair, which, in hindsight, I’m thinking it isn’t safe to hold a pair of scissors close to someone’s carotid artery whilst having the potential to be rear ended, but what’s done is done, and we are alive, and this is what is important.

So luckily someone at Ulta Beauty was available to help me, and I let her have a go at fixing my hair while my mom tried to entertain Joel as he tore everything off the shelves. Also, I let my mom take Joel next door to Carter’s, which was a big step for me considering my anxiety. (My therapist will be proud.)

Fortunately, the Ulta Beauty stylist was able to quickly identify the major problems with my cut, and I think she fixed it appropriately.

So now here I sit on the fence about it… It’s so much improved from what it was, but… Do I like it? I don’t know… It’s a bit 90s news anchor meets Halloween scarecrow meets Owen Wilson meets Playboy Mansion, and I haven’t quite mastered styling it in a way that doesn’t give off this vibe. Though some of my struggles might be because it’s winter, and the bleach blonde color dried it out, and it’s perpetually full of static…

Mark insists he likes it now, but he also keeps asking, “So do you think you’ll keep it this way or grow it back out again someday?” which might or might not be indicative of his true feelings…

I liked the stylist I met at Ulta Beauty. She generally wasn’t very talkative, but she looked at my belly and asked, “When are you due?” And I was like, “December or January.” And she was like, “I can never tell… I don’t have kids. I know nothing about pregnancy. When someone says, ‘I’m X weeks,’ I’m just like, ‘Ummmmm… Whaaaaa???’” And then she asked nothing else, about Joel or my pregnancy or anything. So with this, I was like, “ So you’re officially and permanently hired as my hairstylist, okay?”

If I end up not being able to style my cut appropriately, this is certainly no tragedy. After all, nobody died here, and my hair will grow back, but I’m beyond annoyed that I’ve gone twice now to reputable salons, only to have my hair royally effed over. I think part of it is that I have really straight, blonde hair, which is difficult to cut, but STILL… (Joel also has hair like this, so I’m sure he’ll have his share of future haircut struggles. Come to think of it, he already has…)

Also, it was so difficult for me to even decide to spend four hours and one million dollars on myself, my hair, as since Matthew’s death, I’ve struggled with self-hatred and self-blame and feeling like I don’t deserve anything nice or special in life, ever, and I’ve also not really cared to look presentable at all, so now here I am in a moment of actually caring, trying to schedule some self-pampering, and it goes up in flames? I mean, like geeeeez…

Hopefully my pedicure next week goes more smoothly… Also, I’ll get brave and woman up and post a pic at some point. I’m just simply not in a place to do this yet…

19 thoughts on “Hair gate, November 2017

  1. My husband hates my hair. Literally. (Its shaved and looks nothing like my pic here.) however, he still shaves my head every other week, because we’re cheap and it doesn’t matter what he thinks. He will want to bone me whatever the state of my hair. Added bonus, if I think I’m pretty, if I look in the mirror and come away feeling confident and sassy, this only works even more in his favor. So what if I’m almost 40 and have a lesbian haircut? I LIKE IT. Because that’s the first step, you base your self esteem on delusions and fantasies, and everyone else must follow along. How could they not?

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  2. Also, been there done that about 18 months ago, I was going to the hair place like every week with a; maybe if we just do this. You’ll find your happy place, I know the turmoil of it’s not quite right and when it IS right, it’s amazing.

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  3. You not only deserve self pampering, but need it. And who says you have to have long hair. Many women have shorter hair and look beautiful. Good luck with you nails next week.

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  4. I’ve had short hair for a long time and after Corva died I decided to try growing it out. My hair stylist said that after trauma, women tend to chop their hair. I can see why, it’s immediate and shocking. Growing it out is like “hmm, dee doo dah, I’m growing out my hair but nobody know it except for me….” Did you at least get a scalp massage??? 💕

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    1. Shortly after Matthew died I colored my hair super dark for the first time in my life. I liked it, but it was too hard to maintain. Absolutely a result of trauma. $200+ later and no scalp massage. I was ripped off.


  5. Oh my gosh, I love reading your posts. You seriously sound like me! Although, it uses to be my husband fixing my hair and me obsessing over whether it was even enough. Needless, to say I stopped going to that stylist which was hard because we were sort of friends! But Ryan kept saying, “why do you spend so much $ on your hair when you feel the need to fix it after?!” Ha! Well, now I truly have the perfect stylist thank God. I am naturally anxious and obsess over things! It’s sounds like we have a lot in common! I’m sure you look great! Sometimes it takes awhile to get used to the change. Sending love always!!!

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    1. We DO sound a lot alike! That’s how I always feel when I read your IG posts. I’m so glad you’ve found a good stylist. I hope I can find one or that this person I found is the right one. Love to you!


  6. This post 😂 I’ve been there too. I sat in a stylist chair as she kept washing and washing my hair and then looking at it piece by piece while still in the chair saying, “umm, it’s not quite the color I expected.” Excuse me, what? Wasn’t the color I expected either – muted, ashy green.
    Self-care is important. Keep giving it a ago. You deserve it! Hopefully too much can’t go wrong with a pedicure 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Muted, ashy, green! Eeek! The struggle is real. I’m sorry you can relate. Yes hopefully a pedicure can go as wrong… Sending you love, hoping you’re finding supportive people in Pasadena (I hope I got that right).


  7. I’m just so jealous that your hair is straight. My hair decided to start doing this funky thing where it’s straight in front and on top but curly in the back so I have it in a perma bun or ponytail to cover up the crazy in the back. I’m going to get it permanently straightened in a few weeks so here’s hoping it works out. It’s such a pain to spend lots of time and money on my hair, especially in the event I’m not thrilled with it. I do usually go back to the same place if I need something fixed because I’m afraid of paying for two crummy hairdos and being out twice the money. I’m glad you found a new person who seems like a winner.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My hair is straight as an arrow. I want some damn waves, body, curls, volume, SOMETHING. Your reasoning for going back to the same place does make sense for sure. I think Mark has the same reasoning.


  8. I would like your new stylist. I avoid getting my hair cut partially because of the small talk. I also grow it to donate, but that’s as much for the free cut as the altruism! I love the mental picture of your mom cutting your hair at red lights and trying not to get sheared through your carotids. It’s straight up a Kristin Wiig movie.

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