Tonight I resurrected my rainbow chain, which I’ll use to help me count the days down to Finch’s scheduled birth date, except the links are Christmas colors (rather than rainbow colors) this time… Also, the chain is much shorter compared to last time (I’ve constructed it later in this pregnancy), which is good, because ohhh emmm geee, you guys, 70 links last time was excessive, equivalent to making a Christmas countdown chain in early OCTOBER.

I’m completely overwhelmed right now thinking about all that I need to do in advance of Finch’s arrival.

In less than 30 days I need to Christmas shop, do 61 hours of continuing professional education, finalize our corporate budget (and then re-finalize it every day until our December 13 board meeting with our global investor… like a hamster running through a wheel), prepare for our auditors to start preliminary fieldwork (I’m their primary contact, and they don’t even know I’m pregnant – surprise!), close the month of October and prepare financial statements, close the month of November and prepare financial statements, try, or at least give the illusion that I’ve tried, to leave the month of December in decent shape (since I’ll be gone for the audit), attend (at least) three non-stress tests, two biophysical profiles, and two therapy appointments per week, re-take my one hour glucose test (because Finch is BIG), attend a departmental luncheon and buy a secret Santa gift and bake a dessert (Mark insists these things are necessary seeing how I’ve not spoken to over half of my department in about 2.5 years), attempt to read a book club book… And this is just off the top of my head and doesn’t even include daily responsibilities like eating and showering and parenting Joel. (Of course some of this being left to the eleventh hour is self-inflicted, but STILL.)

Mark’s telling me it’s no different from when I was pregnant with Joel. Ummmmm… Da fuq? Like with Joel I had absolutely nothing going on, so I sat around and counted kicks and hung out at the Maternity Trauma Center and blogged, and, whenever I was free from the Trauma Center, I drove to work and sat at my desk monitoring my baby, only making necessary journal entries every three days or so. (Summer isn’t super busy for me.)

While I’m thankful for my current distractions, I’m also growing concerned. Of course the only thing that truly matters to me at this moment (aside from Joel’s well-being) is Finch’s safe arrival, but nonetheless, this is a lot of shit, and I’d rather not drop the ball on EVERYTHING.

I mean, I’ve kind of lived by the motto, “Let the bridges I burn light the way,” and it’s mostly worked for me, but I’m also trying to focus on self-improvement too, sooooo… It’s just scary to feel like every single day more of brain is overtaken by anxiety, progressing, like sand falling through an hourglass, to the near-zero function I know it’ll have on the day the last link is removed from the chain.

It makes the pressure intense this week. I need to get as much as I can done now, while some capabilities remain.