First, Mark’s mom bought Joel a Fisher Price Little People manger scene, and it’s mega-elaborate and has a ton of pieces. She’s great about teaching Joel associations, meaning she’ll point at Baby Jesus in a book and then show him the real Baby Jesus in the manger scene, and she usually does this at breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner.
Well, the other day, when I arrived home from work, Mark’s mom was like, “I think Howie ate Baby Jesus,” and this is the type of shit that really bothers me (losing crucial stuff), so I helped her search high and low for him to no avail.
But like, did Howie really eat him? In this case, there’s literally no proof – no chewed up plastic fragments in our rug, no suspicious poop… Baby Jesus could just be lying under a piece of furniture somewhere… Or stuck in Howie’s colon.
At first I took mild offense to Sharon being so overly accusatory of Howie, but then Howie was showing an inappropriate level of interest in Mary, so maybe she’s right… But, at this point, it doesn’t much matter, does it? Because no one has been able to find him.
But not to worry! This morning, Sharon phoned Fisher Price and told the man on the phone her entire life story about how/when/where/why she purchased this manger scene for her grandson, and then about how the key piece of it has disturbingly gone missing via dog.
And the nice man offered to send us TWO replacement Baby Jesuses for FREE, so Sharon was more than satisfied with the resolution. (It’ll be like they’re the Olsen Twins– if the first dies from anorexia or happens to be eaten by a goldendoodle, the second can step right in where the first left off, and we’re none the wiser for it.)
So then, instead of being like, “Okay thank you Merry Christmas bye,” Sharon was like, “Come to think of it, your manger scene is also low on cows and sheep, so if, while you’re at it, you could also send some extras of these as well, this would be so wonderful and appreciated.”
And the man so cheerfully and generously obliged, so, needless to say, Joel’s manger scene is going to be a bit souped up compared to the average baby’s. This man sure knows how to give his customers the extra pickle. And Sharon sure knows how to ask for it. Kudos to her and her son who she taught to do the same.
Second, someone has been taking regular wizzes in Sharon’s closet. (I call it “Sharon’s closet” because it’s the closet in the room where she stays.) We think Joel is the culprit, because Sharon finds a puddle in her closet each night around the time Joel goes to bed, and Joel is usually running around naked next to her room before and after his bath.
But no one has ever actually seen Joel pissing in Sharon’s closet, so we can’t really be sure about this either… But I know it isn’t me, and I presume it isn’t her. But what if it’s one of the dogs (Sharon’s dog is staying with us) or something?
There is no Fisher Price customer service representative to help resolve our problems here though. We’re on our own, and it remains a mystery.