Oh hey there. So I’m actually not dead. I feel like maybe people could be wondering. Like the other day, I was texting with some friends, and there’s this baby loss mom who hadn’t blogged or posted on Instagram in quite some time or whatever, so we were literally fearing the worst (until we found her), so I’m hoping no one has been searching for my obituary, but who the hell knows? But, on second thought, I’ve been posting on Instagram, so this isn’t an apples to apples comparison.
Anyway, I’ve just been BUSY. Life has been steamrolling me like every single second of every single day, and I’m basically getting my ass handed to me every time I turn around.
I have a very serious question… Like HOW, HOW, HOW does one successfully get two kids under age two to nap? Because it seems there are frequent situations when one is tired and the other is screaming, rendering it impossible for the tired one to sleep. I mean, does one need to live in a 10,000 square foot mansion? Have more soft surfaces (read: less hardwood floors) that would prevent the house from carrying so much sound? Have kids who are quieter than mine? Be smarter than I apparently am? Asking for a friend…
Mark purchased new wheels (rims?) for my ride (and for his ride). He spent too much money on them, and he made me come to the garage for the big reveal, and I didn’t notice any difference whatsoever, which was so irritating to me (and to Mark).
I’m kind of bitter when it comes to Mark lately. I feel like I’m the only one in the house who has any anxiety, and, in some ways, this is a good thing, but, in other ways, it’s why I need my anxiety – because if I don’t worry about things, it’s obvious that no one else will. (And some of my worries are valid and necessary.) Like tonight, for example, I was putting Fredrik to bed, and it took me like an hour, and no one came to check on me (which I noticed because I was needing to go work or blog or something). Then I started thinking, if roles were reversed, I would begin to fear that Fredrik had fallen asleep in an unsafe position on Mark’s chest, and I would peer around the corner and ask, “Is everything okay?” But #nope, apparently everyone else can just trust that things will be fine in life, even after the worst has happened.
Fredrik is proving to be even bigger than Joel, which I didn’t even know was possible. He’s under three and a half months old and 18 pounds. He is doing well and is super smiley and chatty. I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to roll over any time soon, because he weighs more than a heavy sack of potatoes, but I’ve learned not to stress over such things, as Joel was the same, and he seems fine.
I’ve decided that I don’t like my short hair, so I’ll be growing it long again.
Lately I feel a shift in how people (even those closest to me) react when I mention Matthew. Now days, when I mention him, nearly everyone looks at me like, “Why would you ruin this happy (or even neutral) moment with such a sad, sad thought?” I don’t know, because I’m ALWAYS thinking about him? He may have died nearly three years ago, but he’s MY SON, and many times it still feels as though he died yesterday.
But yet it also does not feel this way… I have now had TWO babies since Matthew died. TWO. Fredrik’s arrival makes me feel even further removed from Matthew, and, as thankful as I am for all the joy that has entered my life since Matthew’s passing, I hate that he just keeps fading more and more into the past. It is the saddest thing in the world that he is missing out on so much, including another earthly brother. And that his brothers (and we) are missing out on him and all that he could have been.
So I’m trying to be a SAHM (with some help here and there, so like a pseudo-SAHM) and work when I can fit it in (which is almost never), and I feel like it’s killing me slowly (the work part – I mostly love being at home). I mean, who wants to calculate international corporate taxes at 4:30am??? Also, it seems my “free time” is being totally sucked up by said work, which is robbing me of whatever personality I once had… So WHY (besides financial reasons) am I putting myself through this?
Well who knows, but a week prior to the date that my maternity leave was scheduled to end, my boss sent me an email… In it she suggested that she was at least half way anxiously anticipating my return, and then a co-worker said the same, and these meager communications excited me – like the possibility that there were still a couple of adults out there (besides my own family) who were potentially interested in me (even if only for my spreadsheet skills) was enough to seal the deal and keep me attempting to juggle this impossible schedule. I’ve realized that my company is like this (dysfunctional) family that I couldn’t ever (voluntarily) leave. But WHY do I even feel like this? It’s just a company.
Easter was snowy and icy, so Joel and Fredrik didn’t wear cute Easter clothes. We went to church, which was held downtown at an alternative venue to accommodate larger crowds, and, although the service was nice, there were so many people there that it was overwhelming with two young kids. At one point, I had to feed Fredrik, and this super old man (who worked at the event center) stood like two feet from me and was like, “I can’t stop you from doing this (breastfeeding), because it’s the law.” But I know he wanted to stop me. But there were like NO people around, and I was completely covered with a huge scarf, so he could have just gone away. Breastfeeding is sooooo awkward sometimes. But Fredrik refuses to take a bottle, so not all of the awkwardness is my fault.
Joel loved opening Easter eggs and hearing Mark’s mom tell the Easter story, and Joel’s also been extra interested in our sump pump lately.
We recently held a joint surprise 60th birthday party for Mark’s parents. We invited like 70 of their closest friends, and almost all invitees attended, so we had a full house. When Mark’s mom entered our house, she melted into a sobbing heap, so this was fun. I’m so glad Mark’s parents were surprised and had the time of their lives.
I recently discovered that I’m allergic to almond milk.
We’ve been using the Shipt app (getting our groceries delivered to our doorstep for a small fee). I feel like I’m a bit extra doing this, but I’m having trouble making it to the store these days, so I’m going with it for now…
This season of life (parenting two living kids with frequent family and sometimes outside help) has me thinking about the design of our house (alluded to above), with which we were very involved (by way of helping our architect)… Our master bathroom is connected to our master bedroom and there’s one shared door to both spaces with a small, lit, almost landing area outside. Said shared door is visible from the living room. Also visible from the living room is the large mirror above the bathroom sink, which means, if someone is getting dressed/undressed, and the door isn’t completely closed, their naked body is reflected, by the mirror, into the living room. (If anyone needs help designing a custom home, I’m available.)