I’mmmm baaack, b!tches! (summer update, part 1)

I haven’t posted since Matthew’s birthday. It’s been almost two months. I intend to start posting more regularly again as well as become more engaged with my blog in general now that I’m no longer attempting to work a full-time accounting job in the evenings, so first thing’s first – a quick update on the remainder of the summer – just the things that stand out in my mind.

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Three

Happy third birthday in heaven, my sweet Matthew. Every single day since your passing has been more brutal than I ever knew life could be. I would have given anything for you to have a chance here. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I will never stop wondering who you’d be today. I miss you always, in everything that we do as a family. I love you.

Grief shifts

Today someone (who knows a little bit about Matthew) asked me how I came up with the names Joel and Fredrik. I can’t even begin to describe how badly this hurt. I wasn’t the least bit angry with this person, rather I was just sad. But I didn’t act sad. Instead I proceeded to cheerfully answer the question, giving a bit of detail about how I came up with each of their names… Continue reading

Runaway trailer; life just loves robbing me of my sanity

Last weekend Mark and Joel went on a father/son outing. They took the Dodge Ram 70 miles down I-44 to Cuba, MO to a place called Cowtown USA to pick up a camping trailer that I think we’ll probably never use, but Mark thinks we’ll use ten times per year, which is kind of a disparity… (Joel sat on some riding lawnmowers and boats, and then they ate some barbeque food as well.) I just can’t even with this description. I swear next thing I know it we’ll be raising goats, or hogs, in our backyard. I’ll be like my work friend who has a goat named Pinesol. Continue reading

I’m alive, and I have some (unimportant) updates.

Oh hey there. So I’m actually not dead. I feel like maybe people could be wondering. Like the other day, I was texting with some friends, and there’s this baby loss mom who hadn’t blogged or posted on Instagram in quite some time or whatever, so we were literally fearing the worst (until we found her), so I’m hoping no one has been searching for my obituary, but who the hell knows? But, on second thought, I’ve been posting on Instagram, so this isn’t an apples to apples comparison. Continue reading

EVERY parent experiences anxiety my a$$

So I’ve been guilty of uttering, “My first child died, so I have anxiety about XYZ <insert almost any parenting related thing under the sun>,” as though no other parent has ever experienced anxiety. And usually whomever is on the receiving end of my statement either validates me or (more often, it seems) reminds me, “Oh, but EVERY new parent experiences anxiety – hahaha (yes, they sometimes laugh).” Continue reading