I recently told someone I didn’t sleep well the night prior and was then questioned, “Did you watch or read something scary before you went to bed?” Continue reading
pregnancy after loss
So much to do, so little time
Tonight I resurrected my rainbow chain, which I’ll use to help me count the days down to Finch’s scheduled birth date, except the links are Christmas colors (rather than rainbow colors) this time… Also, the chain is much shorter compared to last time (I’ve constructed it later in this pregnancy), which is good, because ohhh emmm geee, you guys, 70 links last time was excessive, equivalent to making a Christmas countdown chain in early OCTOBER. Continue reading
Circle
Today’s been a bit of a cluster, and now here I sit catching my first breather, and I’m feeling a bit (or a lot) on edge. Mark was supposed to leave early today for a business meeting, so Mark’s mom was going to fly in right in time to help with Joel at my 9:00am doctor’s appointment. Continue reading
Tomorrow it’s back into the fire.
Today I’m 30 weeks pregnant, and tomorrow is our first non-stress test (NST) and biophysical profile (BPP) with baby Finch. In other words, tomorrow is the day I jump back into the fire. Continue reading
In bigger news… ***trigger warning***
I cut my own bangs, and I ran out of shampoo this morning, so I had to use Mark’s Head & Shoulders for Men, which hopefully cured the dandruff with which I don’t struggle, but it’s distracting, because my boss came to see me, and I couldn’t focus on budgets, the subject of our discussion, because instead I was wondering, “Does she notice how much I smell like a man?” Continue reading
My thought process re: timing of delivery…
So my recent stress mostly relates to timing of delivery. I’m having a scheduled C-section, which means I get to (within reason and provided I don’t go into labor) choose the date that Jay is born. And I’ve chosen it, setting my rainbow chain accordingly. But it doesn’t mean I don’t second guess myself… So, needless to say, this decision is weighing heavily on me to say the least. Continue reading
Three alarm f#ckory
So this story is embarrassing, and I should probably be writing something more reflective/serious, but I just can’t because I feel compelled to write this instead because it seems more fun and also distracting… So last Thursday night we had what I’d consider to be a three-alarm fuckory at our house, which confirmed to us that during this time of heightened anxiety, in moments of non-stress, Mark and I can be relied upon to go ahead and manufacture some stress ourselves. Continue reading
High/low
I plan to write about how we spent Matthew’s birthday later, but it’s been a rollercoaster of a week, so for now I’m going to pretend I’m a teenage boy who generally only provides one word answers to questions and possesses the personality of a dead fish, and my parents are trying to drag some information out of me at the dinner table via the “high/low” conversation starter game, and then it all comes spewing out because there actually are so many highs (maybe) and lows beneath the surface. Continue reading
Thoughts and happenings
The other day, as I walked into the living room, I overheard Mark tell Howie (our dog), “When you die, we’ll stuff you and hang you above the mantle.” He was kidding, but it was weird, but I guess also not too out of the ordinary for a conversation taking place in our home. Continue reading
Frozen
I’ve not been able to write as much lately. It isn’t for lack of material though… The last couple of weeks since my first trip to the Maternity Trauma Center, have been eventful, though not in any earth-shattering sort of way… Not to an outsider, at least. But my high level of internal turmoil has me paralyzed, frozen, it seems. By fear and anxiety. Sure there have been moments of hope and reprieve, but these seem so fleeting as of late. Continue reading
chickydoodles 