Last weekend Mark’s parents visited with their dog Max, and at one point during the weekend I found spots of blood on the floor in our master bedroom hallway, and I first wondered if I’d cut myself shaving, but I didn’t, and all of the other humans swore they weren’t bleeding either, and I couldn’t recall a homicide having taken place, so we eventually decided that the blood was coming from one of the dogs. So we started playing Pin the Blood on the Appropriate Dog Orifice, so we were taking toilet paper to all of the dog orifices, and we all kind of prematurely concluded that Max was dying, because Howie is far more healthy. Continue reading
In the days surrounding the Fourth, I’ve had some pretty damn repetitive conversations. Continue reading
“What kind of character traits would you wish for him to have as an adult?” Continue reading
There is something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I reckon others have thought about it too, but I’m too lazy to google it to find out… So I’m just going to spew it right here, right now. I’m pretty sure that the characters in The Going to Bed Book children’s book by Sandra Boynton are having an orgy. I mean, the book doesn’t say this explicitly, of course. But, basically, the story line is that the sun sets, and all of the animal characters go below deck of the boat and strip down and jump into one big bathtub together and lather up with soap, and then they get out and put on pajamas and brush their teeth and, I quote, “some are on top, and some are beneath.” And then they go “exercise” and then “rock, rock, rock to sleep.” #justsayin Continue reading
Apparently we have a new employee. I was just introduced to her. Or, I guess I should say, reintroduced to her. Continue reading
I wish I could say I’ve found meaning in my tragic loss of my child.
I wish I could say someday I will.
Oh you beg to differ?
You’re wrong. Continue reading
I made an effort to be social, and I attended a corporate event on Thursday, a Cardinal’s baseball game. Some guy who doesn’t even work for our company ended up in our party suite and when he was confronted he bolted. I only talked to four people for the two hours I was there. At one point, I was in a conversation with JVB and my boss and another co-worker and JVB showed us a text from her mom (her parents are on a cruise). The text included a picture of this older couple (her parents), and it read, “If we were any happier, we’d be shitten mushrooms.” It was very endearing. Continue reading
Matthew died in the middle of the hottest f#cking summer in history. I don’t know if this is true, but this is how I perceive it, how I’ll always remember it. It was at least 112 degrees and 140 percent humidity, and when we exited the hospital with a box of belongings through which, to this day, I have yet to sift, to start our most devastating walk to begin our most excruciating drive back to our old lives that we knew were over but hadn’t fully processed as such, the scorch engulfed us, making it feel even more surreal… It was almost as if the heavens had opened up just to give us one last middle finger upon our departure. Continue reading
It seems I’m in recovery mode from my latest meltdown. I figured I’d change it up and try making a list of things that are causing me to feel better, and maybe this will help me feel EVEN MORE BETTER, kind of like the positive affirmations where one looks in the mirror and is like, “I’m beautiful enough. I’m smart enough, and goddamn it, people like me.” (Except I’m not so sure about the “ people liking me” bit…) Continue reading
Someone anonymously dropped an Easter basket in our front yard (for Joel), so Mark assumed that it was Doris who did this and insisted that we go to thank her immediately. I was like, “But what if it wasn’t from her?” And Mark was like, “It definitely was.” So you know where this is going… We walked over to Doris’ house, and she happened to be in her front yard, and Mark was like, “Thank you so much for the basket you left for Joel!” And Doris was like, “I didn’t leave him a basket.” And Mark (seeing a shovel in Doris’ hand) was like, “Are you planting some flowers?” And Doris was like, “No, I’m burying my cat. He died today.” Continue reading