Sketchy office behavior, and the shame I still feel

There’s a chance I screwed up… Anyone who’s been following me for any length of time knows that subsequent pregnancies are difficult for me to share, so I tend to hide them and disclose only on an as needed basis (except my whole sharing on the internet business, but this is different than in real life, somehow), especially at work. Continue reading

Once upon a time, when “nice” described me…

Today our downtown had its annual Christmas open house. It’s this day on a Sunday in mid-November when all of our local businesses open up and showcase their products, and the food vendors hand out free samples, and there are horse and carriage rides and a Santa (who we still have yet to see) and stuff. Continue reading

Trivia night and a special painting

Last night was our local support group’s trivia night. I’m on the fringe of the planning committee, which means I volunteered to help last year and didn’t fulfill many of my commitments (which, in my defense, during this time period I was either living in the Maternity Trauma Center or adjusting to parenting a living baby, a reality I hadn’t considered pre-July 27), and this year I (with Mark’s help) brought in a couple of corporate sponsorships and auction items (okay, this was mostly Mark) and helped minimally with set up. So, I’m trending in the right direction, it seems, albeit slowly… Continue reading

Anecdotes from therapy

There’s officially no hope for me.

My therapist recently explained that those who are happiest in life have this crazy amount of faith – faith that things will turn out okay, faith that not only is there a heaven but also that they and everyone they know/love are going there. When someone dear passes they’re fine with waiting out their remaining time on earth until they’re reunited, etc., etc. It’s not the minimum requirement mustard-seed type of faith, like it’s a faith in the form of virtual certainty. Continue reading

Life lately – random happenings

The other day I arrived to work and immediately had to sign some bank paperwork for JVB, so she came into my office to harass me for it, and I was like, “How are you?” And she was like, “Welp, my grandma died last week. She was 97.” And I kind of thought to myself, “At least she was 97,” because sometimes in these situations these sorts of thoughts are among my first ones, which is shitty but also fairly unavoidable after having lost my infant son. But I didn’t say this aloud, because I haven’t lost ALL of my social skills. Yet. So instead, I was like, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And she was like, “Well… She was 97 but, yeah, it’s sad.” Continue reading

So there is someone who, against all odds, maybe I don’t dislike…

Since Matthew died I’ve kept mental count of the number of nonbaby loss moms I’ve met (so this excludes those I knew “before”) whose company I’ve enjoyed enough to the point that, if I were to run into them again, I wouldn’t necessarily want to drop dead right on the spot rather I might actually consider having a second conversation with them, which might (gasp) lead to a friendship. And, aside from those I met through a small book club I joined (which has since dissolved), the number is one. Continue reading