A kitchen backsplash inspired meltdown of epic proportions

Last Monday a guy came over to install a long-overdue backsplash in our kitchen. The installation was to span early morning Monday through Wednesday afternoon. At first said backsplash installation started off all nostalgic… A reasonably good looking, fit guy in his mid-thirties, with creative tendencies (he’d auditioned for American Idol several years prior), our installer resembled this personal trainer I saw a few years back who often read aloud his dark, erotic poetry in his gym in preparation for open-mic night at the local bar and practically dry-humped his clients post-workout under the masquerade of “stretching them.” (For my fellow St. Louisians who are interested, I can probably dig up his number.) Continue reading

More deep and random thoughts and happenings

Our current status is that we don’t know whether we’re selling our house or doing some redecorating, so we’re kind of proceeding with both – just keeping our options open. Our latest purchase is a new dining room table and chairs and sidebar and picture. I liked our old furniture, a solid-oak Mission style set, but we decided we wanted to refresh a few things, so we sold our old set on Craigslist (with our chandelier too, because we had an extra one in our basement!) and purchased a new table from Restoration Hardware and got a steal of a deal on some chairs and sidebars from Wayfair, and my mom bought us a picture of a moose from Crate & Barrel, because apparently everyone thinks Mark looks like a moose, so they call him “moose,” and Mark isn’t above having a picture of himself in our dining room, rather he actually likes it. Continue reading

Me too

Today it was 70 degrees in February, and Joel’s babysitter called in sick, so I stayed home with him, and we went to the park. I put down a blanket and placed him on it so he could watch the slightly older kids play. I watched too as some moms interacted with their kids, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and it was kind of hard to breathe as the familiar thoughts washed over me, “I will never be like them. I don’t think we could ever be friends.” Continue reading

Thoughts I should post on a baby loss forum instead

I’ve been having a difficult time lately. (You’re surprised.) I feel like I need to just write my thoughts in a stream of consciousness format to get them out of my head, and I should probably post them on a baby loss forum or tell them to my therapist, but instead I’m posting them here, because I’m strange like this. But most of these thoughts are rather dark and uninspiring, and I’m sure people will read them and think I’m a mess and then whisper behind my back, “She’s a mess,” which is kind of fair, as I sort of am a mess, but what in the hell do people expect? Continue reading

Yesterday I left work on a stretcher

About six and a half years ago, on the morning of my second wedding anniversary, I awoke in the back of an ambulance having no idea how I got there, and yesterday around noon, it happened again. Three others in our office have gone down prior – dead flowers lady semi-recently fainted in our ladies room, another woman several years back ate a slice of kiwi at one of our holiday parties and, as a result, went into anaphylactic shock, and a temporary accountant experienced a spontaneous seizure and was taken out on a stretcher. Continue reading

On returning to work

So I returned to work this week, and, of course, the first task I tried to tackle after my three-month leave was meticulously combing my inbox. But after ten minutes I started to become distressed by what I was seeing (mostly dates in 2015/2016 that elicited disturbing visceral reactions), so I was like “fuck it” and deleted everything, figuring that if anything’s important the sender will follow up with me again. Continue reading

Frozen

I’ve not been able to write as much lately. It isn’t for lack of material though… The last couple of weeks since my first trip to the Maternity Trauma Center, have been eventful, though not in any earth-shattering sort of way… Not to an outsider, at least. But my high level of internal turmoil has me paralyzed, frozen, it seems. By fear and anxiety. Sure there have been moments of hope and reprieve, but these seem so fleeting as of late. Continue reading