Sketchy office behavior, and the shame I still feel

There’s a chance I screwed up… Anyone who’s been following me for any length of time knows that subsequent pregnancies are difficult for me to share, so I tend to hide them and disclose only on an as needed basis (except my whole sharing on the internet business, but this is different than in real life, somehow), especially at work. Continue reading

Social interactions gone wrong

The other day I was texting with a friend like, “Hi – how are you? Fine. How are you? Long time no talk. Want to do lunch soon? Anything new in your life? Etc. etc. etc.,” when suddenly, out of bumf#ck nowhere, totally off topic, this friend texts me, “Kathleen (long lost acquaintance) had a baby boy yesterday.” Continue reading

Trivia night and a special painting

Last night was our local support group’s trivia night. I’m on the fringe of the planning committee, which means I volunteered to help last year and didn’t fulfill many of my commitments (which, in my defense, during this time period I was either living in the Maternity Trauma Center or adjusting to parenting a living baby, a reality I hadn’t considered pre-July 27), and this year I (with Mark’s help) brought in a couple of corporate sponsorships and auction items (okay, this was mostly Mark) and helped minimally with set up. So, I’m trending in the right direction, it seems, albeit slowly… Continue reading

In bigger news… ***trigger warning***

I cut my own bangs, and I ran out of shampoo this morning, so I had to use Mark’s Head & Shoulders for Men, which hopefully cured the dandruff with which I don’t struggle, but it’s distracting, because my boss came to see me, and I couldn’t focus on budgets, the subject of our discussion, because instead I was wondering, “Does she notice how much I smell like a man?” Continue reading

Life lately – random happenings

The other day I arrived to work and immediately had to sign some bank paperwork for JVB, so she came into my office to harass me for it, and I was like, “How are you?” And she was like, “Welp, my grandma died last week. She was 97.” And I kind of thought to myself, “At least she was 97,” because sometimes in these situations these sorts of thoughts are among my first ones, which is shitty but also fairly unavoidable after having lost my infant son. But I didn’t say this aloud, because I haven’t lost ALL of my social skills. Yet. So instead, I was like, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And she was like, “Well… She was 97 but, yeah, it’s sad.” Continue reading

So there is someone who, against all odds, maybe I don’t dislike…

Since Matthew died I’ve kept mental count of the number of nonbaby loss moms I’ve met (so this excludes those I knew “before”) whose company I’ve enjoyed enough to the point that, if I were to run into them again, I wouldn’t necessarily want to drop dead right on the spot rather I might actually consider having a second conversation with them, which might (gasp) lead to a friendship. And, aside from those I met through a small book club I joined (which has since dissolved), the number is one. Continue reading

And like that, he’s one

On Thursday Joel will turn one. Soon I’ll start cleaning the house in preparation for his party on Saturday. We’ll attempt to make Joel what will probably, at best, be a pathetic-yet-tasty version of a “Howie cake.” We’ll pick out Joel’s outfit, and I’ll stress about our still grassless yard and about whether we’re celebrating Joel’s birthday appropriately, because I don’t know, as I haven’t been to an event like this in ages, as I still don’t interact regularly with society. We’ll finalize our menu filled with Joel’s favorite foods… Pulled pork sandwiches, green beans, some other sides, watermelon, cantaloupe, perhaps fruits in all the colors, displayed (tritely) in the shape of a rainbow on a giant fruit platter, a subtle reminder of just how brutal our journey was to get him here. Continue reading