#realtalk #sh!tstorm

Mark’s been working late the last couple of nights, so I’ve had my summer mommy’s helper, Sher, stay late to help with late afternoon activities/dinner/bath/bedtime. After tonight I’m a bit worried about how she might perceive me. Continue reading

In bigger news… ***trigger warning***

I cut my own bangs, and I ran out of shampoo this morning, so I had to use Mark’s Head & Shoulders for Men, which hopefully cured the dandruff with which I don’t struggle, but it’s distracting, because my boss came to see me, and I couldn’t focus on budgets, the subject of our discussion, because instead I was wondering, “Does she notice how much I smell like a man?” Continue reading

Life lately – random happenings

The other day I arrived to work and immediately had to sign some bank paperwork for JVB, so she came into my office to harass me for it, and I was like, “How are you?” And she was like, “Welp, my grandma died last week. She was 97.” And I kind of thought to myself, “At least she was 97,” because sometimes in these situations these sorts of thoughts are among my first ones, which is shitty but also fairly unavoidable after having lost my infant son. But I didn’t say this aloud, because I haven’t lost ALL of my social skills. Yet. So instead, I was like, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And she was like, “Well… She was 97 but, yeah, it’s sad.” Continue reading

So there is someone who, against all odds, maybe I don’t dislike…

Since Matthew died I’ve kept mental count of the number of nonbaby loss moms I’ve met (so this excludes those I knew “before”) whose company I’ve enjoyed enough to the point that, if I were to run into them again, I wouldn’t necessarily want to drop dead right on the spot rather I might actually consider having a second conversation with them, which might (gasp) lead to a friendship. And, aside from those I met through a small book club I joined (which has since dissolved), the number is one. Continue reading

Friday noche thoughts and happenings

I made an effort to be social, and I attended a corporate event on Thursday, a Cardinal’s baseball game. Some guy who doesn’t even work for our company ended up in our party suite and when he was confronted he bolted. I only talked to four people for the two hours I was there. At one point, I was in a conversation with JVB and my boss and another co-worker and JVB showed us a text from her mom (her parents are on a cruise). The text included a picture of this older couple (her parents), and it read, “If we were any happier, we’d be shitten mushrooms.” It was very endearing. Continue reading

More deep and random thoughts and happenings

Our current status is that we don’t know whether we’re selling our house or doing some redecorating, so we’re kind of proceeding with both – just keeping our options open. Our latest purchase is a new dining room table and chairs and sidebar and picture. I liked our old furniture, a solid-oak Mission style set, but we decided we wanted to refresh a few things, so we sold our old set on Craigslist (with our chandelier too, because we had an extra one in our basement!) and purchased a new table from Restoration Hardware and got a steal of a deal on some chairs and sidebars from Wayfair, and my mom bought us a picture of a moose from Crate & Barrel, because apparently everyone thinks Mark looks like a moose, so they call him “moose,” and Mark isn’t above having a picture of himself in our dining room, rather he actually likes it. Continue reading

Me too

Today it was 70 degrees in February, and Joel’s babysitter called in sick, so I stayed home with him, and we went to the park. I put down a blanket and placed him on it so he could watch the slightly older kids play. I watched too as some moms interacted with their kids, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and it was kind of hard to breathe as the familiar thoughts washed over me, “I will never be like them. I don’t think we could ever be friends.” Continue reading