Joel’s story

I’ve been itching to post Joel’s birth story, but until today, writing it seemed a task insurmountable, because, turns out, being a parent to a living child and to a dead child is hard work. And so is breastfeeding. So much so that I struggle to envision the day where I partake in activities unrelated to lactation. And also, the idea of writing Joel’s story has seemed daunting, because I spent seven action-packed days in the hospital (three prior to his birth and four after), but today I’m attempting, in this different sort of timeline format, and I’m hoping that I can resume my regular writings shortly so I can share my other recent experiences as well as process the inevitable shitstorm of complicated emotions that accompany bringing home our beautiful baby boy almost exactly one year after leaving our other beautiful baby boy behind. So here goes… Continue reading

My thought process re: timing of delivery…

So my recent stress mostly relates to timing of delivery. I’m having a scheduled C-section, which means I get to (within reason and provided I don’t go into labor) choose the date that Jay is born. And I’ve chosen it, setting my rainbow chain accordingly. But it doesn’t mean I don’t second guess myself… So, needless to say, this decision is weighing heavily on me to say the least. Continue reading

Three alarm f#ckory

So this story is embarrassing, and I should probably be writing something more reflective/serious, but I just can’t because I feel compelled to write this instead because it seems more fun and also distracting… So last Thursday night we had what I’d consider to be a three-alarm fuckory at our house, which confirmed to us that during this time of heightened anxiety, in moments of non-stress, Mark and I can be relied upon to go ahead and manufacture some stress ourselves. Continue reading

High/low

I plan to write about how we spent Matthew’s birthday later, but it’s been a rollercoaster of a week, so for now I’m going to pretend I’m a teenage boy who generally only provides one word answers to questions and possesses the personality of a dead fish, and my parents are trying to drag some information out of me at the dinner table via the “high/low” conversation starter game, and then it all comes spewing out because there actually are so many highs (maybe) and lows beneath the surface. Continue reading

Frozen

I’ve not been able to write as much lately. It isn’t for lack of material though… The last couple of weeks since my first trip to the Maternity Trauma Center, have been eventful, though not in any earth-shattering sort of way… Not to an outsider, at least. But my high level of internal turmoil has me paralyzed, frozen, it seems. By fear and anxiety. Sure there have been moments of hope and reprieve, but these seem so fleeting as of late. Continue reading

On Father’s Day

Left behind as doctors sprinted me down the hall into my emergency C-section, he worried he could lose both of us. Alone he waited, and alone he was told that although I made it, our first child, Matthew, did not. Shattered and heartbroken, and still alone, he waited for me to wake up, waited to share the worst, most soul-crushing news imaginable. Continue reading