There’s a chance I screwed up… Anyone who’s been following me for any length of time knows that subsequent pregnancies are difficult for me to share, so I tend to hide them and disclose only on an as needed basis (except my whole sharing on the internet business, but this is different than in real life, somehow), especially at work. Continue reading
therapy
Erased (warning: this may be incoherent)
Ughhhhh, I’m supposed to be working on budget stuff, but I had a therapy appointment at 7:00am, and it was so extra draining, which usually catches me by surprise, as I’m already pretty drained and also accustomed to talking about Matthew and my issues, but my therapist has a talent for asking me questions that dig deep and reduce me to tears and heaving sobs almost immediately. Also, I learned that my therapist used to be a stockbroker, which isn’t contributing to my emotional reaction, but it does blow my mind. So I feel like I need to process some of this here before I actually go about my day – like when I spew things onto the internet I can function better… Continue reading
Contemplating a future
“What kind of character traits would you wish for him to have as an adult?” Continue reading
On returning to work
So I returned to work this week, and, of course, the first task I tried to tackle after my three-month leave was meticulously combing my inbox. But after ten minutes I started to become distressed by what I was seeing (mostly dates in 2015/2016 that elicited disturbing visceral reactions), so I was like “fuck it” and deleted everything, figuring that if anything’s important the sender will follow up with me again. Continue reading
On post-partum anxiety after loss
“You spent nine agonizing months fearing he had died every second. It isn’t logical to assume that just goes away,” my friend Nora texted me. Continue reading
Right where I am; 8 months later
Shortly after Matthew died I stumbled upon a baby loss mom blog (last updated in 2014) I found particularly memorable for its 2011 project, “Right where I am.” The idea was that this blogger would choose a day to write about where she was with her grief in a given moment, call others to do the same, and then compile the responses for all to browse. Continue reading
That time I banned Mark from support group
Last week I texted with an out-of-town loss mom friend, and we vowed to meet in person one day. Because we’d love to meet. And we’d love for our husbands to meet. One reason being neither of our husbands attend support group. Hers has never attended. And Mark attended just once, which I told her there’s a story behind. Continue reading
Be gentle with yourself
Until Matthew died, I’d never heard this phrase. Since Matthew died, I hear it frequently. It’s almost as though it’s the anthem of the bereaved parent. Continue reading
chickydoodles 