I recently told someone I didn’t sleep well the night prior and was then questioned, “Did you watch or read something scary before you went to bed?” Continue reading
trauma
Erased (warning: this may be incoherent)
Ughhhhh, I’m supposed to be working on budget stuff, but I had a therapy appointment at 7:00am, and it was so extra draining, which usually catches me by surprise, as I’m already pretty drained and also accustomed to talking about Matthew and my issues, but my therapist has a talent for asking me questions that dig deep and reduce me to tears and heaving sobs almost immediately. Also, I learned that my therapist used to be a stockbroker, which isn’t contributing to my emotional reaction, but it does blow my mind. So I feel like I need to process some of this here before I actually go about my day – like when I spew things onto the internet I can function better… Continue reading
Tomorrow it’s back into the fire.
Today I’m 30 weeks pregnant, and tomorrow is our first non-stress test (NST) and biophysical profile (BPP) with baby Finch. In other words, tomorrow is the day I jump back into the fire. Continue reading
So we may have called 911 unnecessarily…
I think I’ve mentioned before that when I was just a wee one, I was the victim of an armed robbery home invasion, so ever since then, for about 20 years, every time someone knocks on the door or rings the doorbell, I tend to think the worst is about to happen. Never mind that it’s election season, and the most likely scenario is that it’s someone stopping by to try to convince us to vote for a specific candidate. Nope. I immediately think that an armed robbery home invasion is imminent, and I make all efforts to hide the kids, hide the wives, hide the kids, hide the wives. (Not really, but remember that viral video?!) But in all reality, I may jump into the nearest closet. Continue reading
Frozen
I’ve not been able to write as much lately. It isn’t for lack of material though… The last couple of weeks since my first trip to the Maternity Trauma Center, have been eventful, though not in any earth-shattering sort of way… Not to an outsider, at least. But my high level of internal turmoil has me paralyzed, frozen, it seems. By fear and anxiety. Sure there have been moments of hope and reprieve, but these seem so fleeting as of late. Continue reading
Anxiety and exhaustion
I’m approaching 24 weeks in my pregnancy with Jay. Viability. The point at which a baby can live outside the womb should he need be delivered. (Though at 28 weeks the odds of survival become much higher.) I celebrated this milestone in my pregnancy with Matthew. How stupid and naïve I was. Continue reading
Matthew’s story (long version)
This story is far longer than I intended for it to be. But the story of Matthew’s life is beautiful, the story of his death is traumatic, dramatic, and complicated, and his impact and legacy deserve recognition. So here we go… Continue reading
