1)       Our doctor’s appointment for baby Finch went as well as it could go. We started with the non-stress test, and the nurse had to try to locate Finch’s heartbeat, and, even though I knew he was alive, because he was moving, I couldn’t hear his heartbeat that strongly because the sound on the machine was turned down, so I got really light headed and thought I was either about to have a seizure or pass out, but luckily it was neither, and I was able to recover after a few sips of water.

2)       The biophysical profile/ultrasound went well too (still no cord issues). We got our favorite sonographer, and she was amazing. She has many years of experience and remembers the days when doctors didn’t tell sonographers to “leave cord issues out of the documentation.” She also remembers when all this changed and they began receiving instructions to leave out this sort of information. Still, she seems very aware that cord issues can be deadly and even recalled a time when she was asked to investigate an NST gone poorly and identified four nuchal wraps, and the baby was saved minutes later via emergency C-section. I can’t help but wonder whether, had she been our sonographer when I was pregnant with Matthew, he might have been saved too.

3)       Mark and Joel attended the appointment, and Joel was a fabulous, smiley distraction. He fell asleep on the way home (for ten minutes) but then refused his morning nap, and then he only slept 25 minutes in the afternoon, so 35 minutes total, yet somehow he was the happiest he’s ever been for most of the day. I don’t get it.

4)       Though Joel still doesn’t speak much, he seems to understand almost everything we say, or at least a lot more than we think he possibly could. Tonight at bath time Mark’s mom asked, “Joel do you want to blow some bubbles in the water?” And Joel actually stuck his face in the water and blew. I never would have guessed that he knew how to do this.

5)       Today Mark had lunch with a co-worker/superior who attended Saturday’s party, which I almost fled. I guess he noticed that I seemed off and asked Mark whether I was okay, and I guess Mark gave a brutally honest answer, and I’m wondering whether he disclosed too much, as few could possibly come close to understanding without going through this loss themselves, so this co-worker probably just thinks I’m nutso now…

6)       After Joel’s failed nap, I turned on The Ellen Degeneres Show, and Joel snuggled in my arms. He’s super loving and cuddly, but he also never.stops.moving., so moments like this are rare these days. But Ellen was interviewing Mitchell Pritchett (don’t know his real name), the red head from Modern Family, and they showed this picture from his Instagram account, and I think it was of him and his bike and his significant other, and his significant other was holding his bicycle seat, but it looked like he was holding Mitch’s crotch instead.

7)       Mark’s mom gave us a super old music box with two finches on it. It’s a family heirloom and very beautiful.

8)       Joel has an automatic trash can in his closet, and when you wave your hand over the top, it opens. We do this sometimes, and say, “Abracadabra!” And Joel laughs and also kind of cries, because he’s scared. Every night before bed he points to the trashcan and tries to get it to open, but he’s still too terrified to get close enough to actually do it. But he’s getting braver by the day, and it’s cool to watch.

9)       Tonight we ate at Wendy’s and I feel horrible about it and also a little bit sick.

10)    Wednesday I have a hair appointment. I want to go possibly shorter, edgier, perhaps do some balayage (highlights that are sorta far away from the root so they’re safe for pregnancy). I’m not sure exactly what I want to do though, so I downloaded this app to see what styles might look good on me, so now I think I have a better idea… Also, this is the only picture of me wearing make up in the past two plus years, so I had to use it.