So this weekend we got Fredrik baptized. Coincidentally the pastor of our church (I say “our church,” but we aren’t officially members – they were nice enough to allow Fredrik to be baptized there nonetheless) was preaching a message on tragedy… Continue reading
faith
Matthew Bear
Today we took Joel on a walk, and it was freezing, so we layered him up, and had to put him in some size 18-month sweat pants (!), and I hope he was warm enough. We were headed to the playground, because we are wicked-awesome parents, and we thought it might be stimulating for Joel to watch some older kids play, but not too long into our walk he fell asleep in his front-facing carrier, so we quickly turned back home, first taking a quick detour, trespassing through a neighbor’s house, which is under construction. (It’s okay – everyone does it.) Continue reading
When the pumpkin patch is so effing complicated
Yesterday afternoon a friend invited me to do some restorative yoga (she knows I need some restoration!), but then we found out the class was cancelled, and Mark was cleaning leaves out of the gutters (so he doesn’t have to go out in his underwear the next time it rains) while his dad was mowing, and Mark’s mom was pretending to help with yard work, and Joel was napping, so I was bored and complaining, so Mark decided that we should all go to a pumpkin patch, since it was October 30, the day before our first Halloween with a living child. Continue reading
Milestones and mastitis and melancholy feelings
***I am dedicating today’s post to SHARE’s Walk of Remembrance and the Wave of Light, in support of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss, and shattering the stigma. Click here for a list of the amazing, courageous bloggers on the tour, leading up to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15.***
Mark scheduled Joel’s baptism for Sunday, October 2 without my knowledge. I mean, we’d discussed it, but only a little bit. But Mark grew up Lutheran, and one thing I’ve learned after all of these years knowing Mark is that Lutherans will get their panties in a bunch if an infant’s baptism isn’t scheduled like immediately after he is born. But because I didn’t grow up religious, and I’m aware that some denominations wait until like age 13 to baptize, my panties weren’t in a bunch at all, so Mark just scheduled it behind my back, because I guess he and his family were getting uncomfortable and didn’t like my “we’ll do it later” attitude, which makes sense considering later may never come, because any of us could drop dead tomorrow. (Or today.) And also, we were being divas and didn’t want to share a baptism date with a family with all living children, and our pastor informed us that this date met our criteria. Continue reading
Joel’s story
I’ve been itching to post Joel’s birth story, but until today, writing it seemed a task insurmountable, because, turns out, being a parent to a living child and to a dead child is hard work. And so is breastfeeding. So much so that I struggle to envision the day where I partake in activities unrelated to lactation. And also, the idea of writing Joel’s story has seemed daunting, because I spent seven action-packed days in the hospital (three prior to his birth and four after), but today I’m attempting, in this different sort of timeline format, and I’m hoping that I can resume my regular writings shortly so I can share my other recent experiences as well as process the inevitable shitstorm of complicated emotions that accompany bringing home our beautiful baby boy almost exactly one year after leaving our other beautiful baby boy behind. So here goes… Continue reading
High/low
I plan to write about how we spent Matthew’s birthday later, but it’s been a rollercoaster of a week, so for now I’m going to pretend I’m a teenage boy who generally only provides one word answers to questions and possesses the personality of a dead fish, and my parents are trying to drag some information out of me at the dinner table via the “high/low” conversation starter game, and then it all comes spewing out because there actually are so many highs (maybe) and lows beneath the surface. Continue reading
Today Matthew is one
I started this blog in Matthew’s memory, and I continue to write it in his honor, so I feel I must post something on his first birthday, but to post much of anything feels disingenuous, because my heart is so heavy, and I lack the words at the moment. Continue reading
Cemeteries and beer
Luckily Memorial Day weekend flew by rather quickly thanks to Mark’s parents and sister and brother in law who all visited from out of town, Mark’s parents from Iowa and his sister and brother in law from Nebraska. As part of the weekend, we scheduled a couple of St. Louisy activities (you’re jealous) because we didn’t really have other plans and because some of our visitors hadn’t spent enough time in St. Louis to have experienced them, in all of their glory, before. And our weekend included other activities too – some dinners out and good conversation and a fishing trip and a quick Monday morning visit to the cemetery where Matthew’s ashes are buried… Continue reading
Prove it
I enter our kitchen after a long day’s work. It’s a cold November night, already dark outside. My phone starts ringing – I can feel it vibrating in my purse. I fumble for it, finally finding it. I glance at the screen. I’m relieved to see that it’s Mark. He’s in Minneapolis on business, doing audit work for one of his many Minnesota clients. His schedule is demanding when he’s out of town. So I’m glad for the opportunity to talk to him – the days are long, and the nights are longer sometimes in my state of intense grief, especially when Mark’s away. Continue reading
A parody of platitudes
The other day Mark and I drafted a text to someone facing a crisis. And, as we were thinking about things to say, we were also thinking about things not to say, most of which have been said to us. Continue reading
chickydoodles 