Happy birthday, sweet Matthew. We had a quiet day in your memory – ate at our favorite breakfast place, brought bright red, pink, and purple flowers to your grave… Your brothers picked out the flowers. F asked if the cemetery was heaven, and V kept stealing your tiny balloons on the sticks. We played basketball in the driveway lots today – J is big enough to learn to shoot a layup, but you’d be even bigger. We love and miss you always. At the park I ran into a woman I know who lost a son 30 some years ago – she told me she is sad for some part of every day. So am I. Especially today though.

Stranger than fiction – Viv Covid

So it’s been awhile, and we have some big news. On February 9, 2020 we welcomed our fourth child, a little girl, Vivian Christine. She weighed 7lbs, 14 ozs and was 20 inches long and was born healthy and screaming. She’s 12 weeks old now and is doing great, and her brothers love her – Joel said she’s “his favorite person.” And we’re so beyond thankful to have her here! Continue reading


Happy third birthday in heaven, my sweet Matthew. Every single day since your passing has been more brutal than I ever knew life could be. I would have given anything for you to have a chance here. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I will never stop wondering who you’d be today. I miss you always, in everything that we do as a family. I love you.

Erased (warning: this may be incoherent)

Ughhhhh, I’m supposed to be working on budget stuff, but I had a therapy appointment at 7:00am, and it was so extra draining, which usually catches me by surprise, as I’m already pretty drained and also accustomed to talking about Matthew and my issues, but my therapist has a talent for asking me questions that dig deep and reduce me to tears and heaving sobs almost immediately. Also, I learned that my therapist used to be a stockbroker, which isn’t contributing to my emotional reaction, but it does blow my mind. So I feel like I need to process some of this here before I actually go about my day – like when I spew things onto the internet I can function better… Continue reading


Several weekends ago Mark had his group of employees who he supervises over with their significant others. I initially dreaded it, so we argued about it. Mark was like, “To be successful in my career, I’ll have to be social.” And then I tried to name all of the antisocial people we know who I view as having achieved career success, but I lost the argument, and they came over, and it ended up being okay. Continue reading

Milestones and mastitis and melancholy feelings

***I am dedicating today’s post to SHARE’s Walk of Remembrance and the Wave of Light, in support of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss, and shattering the stigma. Click here for a list of the amazing, courageous bloggers on the tour, leading up to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15.***

Mark scheduled Joel’s baptism for Sunday, October 2 without my knowledge. I mean, we’d discussed it, but only a little bit. But Mark grew up Lutheran, and one thing I’ve learned after all of these years knowing Mark is that Lutherans will get their panties in a bunch if an infant’s baptism isn’t scheduled like immediately after he is born. But because I didn’t grow up religious, and I’m aware that some denominations wait until like age 13 to baptize, my panties weren’t in a bunch at all, so Mark just scheduled it behind my back, because I guess he and his family were getting uncomfortable and didn’t like my “we’ll do it later” attitude, which makes sense considering later may never come, because any of us could drop dead tomorrow. (Or today.) And also, we were being divas and didn’t want to share a baptism date with a family with all living children, and our pastor informed us that this date met our criteria. Continue reading

Happy birthday, Jay!

We’re excited and relieved to announce that Joel Christopher was born today (July 27, 2016 at 37+0) at 12:46pm kicking and screaming. He weighed in at 8 pounds, 4 ounces and measured 20.5 inches long. Our family is doing well, and we’re already so in love with him. More details and better photos to come later!