Today our downtown had its annual Christmas open house. It’s this day on a Sunday in mid-November when all of our local businesses open up and showcase their products, and the food vendors hand out free samples, and there are horse and carriage rides and a Santa (who we still have yet to see) and stuff. Continue reading
Erased (warning: this may be incoherent)
Ughhhhh, I’m supposed to be working on budget stuff, but I had a therapy appointment at 7:00am, and it was so extra draining, which usually catches me by surprise, as I’m already pretty drained and also accustomed to talking about Matthew and my issues, but my therapist has a talent for asking me questions that dig deep and reduce me to tears and heaving sobs almost immediately. Also, I learned that my therapist used to be a stockbroker, which isn’t contributing to my emotional reaction, but it does blow my mind. So I feel like I need to process some of this here before I actually go about my day – like when I spew things onto the internet I can function better… Continue reading
Parties and PTSD
I swear to God I won’t write all 30 of my posts about my social struggles, but tonight was a few parts brutal combined with maybe one part hopeful. Continue reading
An obscenely long post in honor of my two year blogiversary
“I’m not sure you were ever normal, even before Matthew died,” a baby loss mom friend recently texted. Continue reading
Anecdotes from therapy
There’s officially no hope for me.
My therapist recently explained that those who are happiest in life have this crazy amount of faith – faith that things will turn out okay, faith that not only is there a heaven but also that they and everyone they know/love are going there. When someone dear passes they’re fine with waiting out their remaining time on earth until they’re reunited, etc., etc. It’s not the minimum requirement mustard-seed type of faith, like it’s a faith in the form of virtual certainty. Continue reading
Last Monday we had our anatomy ultrasound for little Finch. (I’m using Finch to refer to this baby until he’s born… Flicker came in a very close second, and some people said they liked Falcon as well, so it was a difficult decision.) Continue reading
Contemplating a future
“What kind of character traits would you wish for him to have as an adult?” Continue reading
What I wish I could say…
I wish I could say I’ve found meaning in my tragic loss of my child.
I wish I could say someday I will.
Oh you beg to differ?
You’re wrong. Continue reading
Puppies and goddamn unicorns
It seems I’m in recovery mode from my latest meltdown. I figured I’d change it up and try making a list of things that are causing me to feel better, and maybe this will help me feel EVEN MORE BETTER, kind of like the positive affirmations where one looks in the mirror and is like, “I’m beautiful enough. I’m smart enough, and goddamn it, people like me.” (Except I’m not so sure about the “ people liking me” bit…) Continue reading
Deepest thoughts (because I can’t be any more coherent right now)
Someone anonymously dropped an Easter basket in our front yard (for Joel), so Mark assumed that it was Doris who did this and insisted that we go to thank her immediately. I was like, “But what if it wasn’t from her?” And Mark was like, “It definitely was.” So you know where this is going… We walked over to Doris’ house, and she happened to be in her front yard, and Mark was like, “Thank you so much for the basket you left for Joel!” And Doris was like, “I didn’t leave him a basket.” And Mark (seeing a shovel in Doris’ hand) was like, “Are you planting some flowers?” And Doris was like, “No, I’m burying my cat. He died today.” Continue reading