Last Monday we had our anatomy ultrasound for little Finch. (I’m using Finch to refer to this baby until he’s born… Flicker came in a very close second, and some people said they liked Falcon as well, so it was a difficult decision.) Continue reading
pregnancy
In bigger news… ***trigger warning***
I cut my own bangs, and I ran out of shampoo this morning, so I had to use Mark’s Head & Shoulders for Men, which hopefully cured the dandruff with which I don’t struggle, but it’s distracting, because my boss came to see me, and I couldn’t focus on budgets, the subject of our discussion, because instead I was wondering, “Does she notice how much I smell like a man?” Continue reading
On kick counting
People like to ask me how I performed kick counts in my pregnancy after loss, probably mostly because I made no secret of how obsessed I became with doing them… So I figured I’d devote a post to this topic. Continue reading
On baby showers
So I’ve been meaning to write on this subject, and I guess the time is now, because on Matthew’s 18 month birthday/death anniversary, I received a baby shower invitation in the mail, which was so fitting considering that my life has been like one giant (albeit dark) episode of Punk’d ever since he died, but it’s disappointing because I have yet to meet Ashton Kutcher (although his doppelganger works at our neighborhood St. Louis Bread Company, so we took a picture of him while he wasn’t looking), which is probably because he is busy with his new baby boy, born on November 30, Mark’s birthday. (See what I mean?) Continue reading
Conversations I don’t want to have with people I don’t want to talk to
I don’t want to be asked about how my big house feels with three people living in it now. It feels pretty fucking awful and awesome at the same time. Because there should be four of us living in it, though we’re still lucky to have the three of us, living and healthy, I suppose. But really, you don’t want to stop for long enough to hear me out with my complicated answer, so I’ll just continue to stare at you blankly while you assume everything’s great. Continue reading
Self-destruction and Uber experiences
11,387 – This is the number of kicks I logged on my kick counting app… And this is only from June 26 through July 27. I’m pretty sure I started logging kicks prior to June 26. (I deleted my history several times as I tried to graph kick patterns, which never really worked…) Continue reading
So, this just happened…
Today I shared something about Matthew on my old Facebook page (which I will be shutting down within 24 hours). Hopefully 236 random “friends” are now more aware. (Yes, I can be pretty freaking impulsive.) So far, the feedback has been supportive, and no one has said anything dumb, and some have even opened up about their own losses. Continue reading
On post-partum anxiety after loss
“You spent nine agonizing months fearing he had died every second. It isn’t logical to assume that just goes away,” my friend Nora texted me. Continue reading
Joel’s story
I’ve been itching to post Joel’s birth story, but until today, writing it seemed a task insurmountable, because, turns out, being a parent to a living child and to a dead child is hard work. And so is breastfeeding. So much so that I struggle to envision the day where I partake in activities unrelated to lactation. And also, the idea of writing Joel’s story has seemed daunting, because I spent seven action-packed days in the hospital (three prior to his birth and four after), but today I’m attempting, in this different sort of timeline format, and I’m hoping that I can resume my regular writings shortly so I can share my other recent experiences as well as process the inevitable shitstorm of complicated emotions that accompany bringing home our beautiful baby boy almost exactly one year after leaving our other beautiful baby boy behind. So here goes… Continue reading
My thought process re: timing of delivery…
So my recent stress mostly relates to timing of delivery. I’m having a scheduled C-section, which means I get to (within reason and provided I don’t go into labor) choose the date that Jay is born. And I’ve chosen it, setting my rainbow chain accordingly. But it doesn’t mean I don’t second guess myself… So, needless to say, this decision is weighing heavily on me to say the least. Continue reading
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